Angst-y ramblings

Maybe I should tell him how I feel. How I think I'm depressed and he should stay away from me for the sake of his own heart. maybe then he'll see me as brave and strong and all that shit and he'll want to rescue me and yes! fall head over heels in love with me.

i'm not really the kind of person who is the subject of mad passionate love. i don't think i have those qualities in me. i do want it, there's always the hopeful bit in my heart that wants it all. then there's the realistic bit which goes, fuck that shit, none of that's ever gonna happen to you. you may as well get yourself out of your own well of self pity and pull yourself together and think of realistic things. like getting another job. or finding fulfillment in other ways. am i not that se;f-proclaimed "strong independent woman" who doesn't need a man to pander to her wishes and pamper her off her feet?

i don't need the dream destinations and the walks by moon light and the surprises at my doorstep and the flowers and the shopping and the cuddling under the sheets while watching a horror flick and the long long conversations and some silent companionship. no of course not! that's someone else, some needy, wimpy little girl, who may have grown out of her pigtails bt never grew out of her dreams.

i wish i could deny all that, but i can't. that's me. i'm the wimpy pig-tailed little girl. i'm the realistic feminist. i'm the one who wants to fall in love with someone and have them fall in love with me. i'm the one who scoffs at needing a man in my life.

i'm a mass of contradictions. (Is angst-y even a word?? I'm a grammar nazi to everyone but myself)

i tire myself out with all my angst. i wish i could stop. i don't want to be this whiny person and can't imaging anyone wanting to be with me coz I wound't want to be with me.

i read somewhere, when you're listing out things about your perfect guy, list out things that make you the person you want to be. then find someone who will help you get there. no fucking help that was, since i have no fucking clue what i want to be.

maybe i need more sun. i see no sun during the entire day. maybe that's what keeps me so gloomy. i could pass this off as seasonal affective disorder, except it doesn't really have a season. it just is, the whole year round.

i want a white knight. no i'll be my own white knight.

i need to be saved. i can save myself!

well at least the tears have stopped falling.

wow
who'd be crazy enough to want to take this in hand?


PS - this proves it; i'm definitely capable of being a full-on drama queen
PPS - at least my sense of humour's back :)