today, while i was returning home from my french class, i got to thinking about the person i used to be when i was in school. i was the misfit in class. i was different, very shy, wouldn't talk to anybody easily. till i got out of school, i still had a kind of childish innocence, a shyness, a quietness. i was so lonely sometimes, looking at other kids with their friends, wondering if i would ever have anything as deep as they did. i always wondered if i would ever find a place where i truly fitted in, coz in school i always felt like the square peg trying to get into the round hole. don't get me wrong, school was one helluva ride and i have plenty of wonderful memories, fond memories. but there are also some which always make me feel bitter. they make me feel sorry for the person i was. i want to go back in time and console her, tell her that years hence, you will find good friends, friends who will care abt you, friends who will not judge you by the way you look or by the way you behave, friends who you can have a real conversation with without worrying abt what you're saying or what that person will think abt you.
and i can say all this because i have found friends like that. people who like me, people who trust me, trust my decisions. people who're willing to take a chance on me. people, who have helped me discover a part of me which i did not know existed. i am so grateful to all of them. i am so happy, for i have found the friends i'd always wanted to have.
but sometimes, i miss that quiet, shy girl. sometimes, i can not recognise who i have become. i look at myself in the mirror and think - who is this who stares back at me? who is this girl who now has so much of confidence as to be able to talk to strangers (an unthinkable act back in school)? who is sometimes so bubbly, so full of life? even now, i wonder how that shy girl would have reacted to things that have happened, to things that are happening. i sometimes ache to go back to being that girl again, shut up in my quiet shell, alone with my thoughts yet yearning for somebody to come and unlock me. there are still parts of me that are locked deep down within me. maybe someday, i'll find that somebody, who will help me realise my true self. someday...